THIS is the tale of a woman who has an affair with a strange man and their relationship appears to have been doomed from the onset and, from the look of things, it will need something of a miracle to take a turn for the better, says OUR CORRESPONDENT. Read on…

HOW long should people be in courtship before they can marry? Let me rephrase the question. How long can a woman wait for marriage when a potential suitor comes along? Six months, a year, two years, three years or forever?
This is the agonising poser a woman who has been in courtship for four years now is battling to find an answer to – get married. But the potential marriage has been a mirage with no prospects of it taking place and is not within the radar any time soon.
According to my wife, who shared this story with me, the woman who is her friend and seeks advice from her often as she is experiencing hell on earth in her troubled relationship with a rather strange man. She’s at wits end over the elusive marriage, wondering just when the man will open up his heart and take her for life.
She is also wondering whether the option of pulling out, as she has been advised by many people, would be the panacea for her dilemma. And she’s not getting any younger what with two children from her first marriage which ended in divorce?
My wife and other women have advised the woman to leave the man who has wasted all her time without broaching the highly alluring topic of marriage with many a single woman dreaming of landing the coveted title of “Mrs.” The funny thing is, despite moving in with the man four years ago and living together since then, the man has not been keen to pop the question: “Will you marry me?”.
The woman is a divorcee and has two children from her first marriage while the man has a daughter from his deceased wife. Sometimes, the woman goes briefly to live in her house elsewhere in the city where her two children live, but 99 per cent of the time she’s at the “suitor’s” house.
The funny thing is, the man has all along exhibited queer manners and mannerisms which perhaps only psychologists can explain. For instance, one time his mother came to see him at his house and the girlfriend was there.
When the woman told her boyfriend that she was going outside the house to welcome the mother, the man stopped her, saying it was not necessary and threatened violence if she went out and instead he himself went out to meet the mother.
Asked why he had stopped her from greeting her “mother-in-law”, the man is said to have retorted that he did not want to complicate matters. Pressed to explain what he meant by complicating issues, he got annoyed and declared the discussion closed.
When it comes to money issues, the man is a character from Nollywood movies. Those who watch Nigerian movies may perhaps recall the behaviour of the hilarious Nkem Owoh (Ukwa) who in one of the films acts the stingy man.
It is said that our man tells his companion of years that he does not subscribe to the Biblical teachings that place responsibility on a man to provide for his wife and meet her emotional and other needs. Well, he can argue that theirs is not an official marriage, but a living together arrangement as the Americans say, but under Zambian customary law, a man who has lived with a woman for six months under one roof is deemed to be the husband.
The man is said to have told his woman that far be the thought that the money he makes is also hers. Bluntly put, he is said to have told her she must be independent, make her own money while he makes his but they can live together. No strings attached!
If, for instance, the woman asks him to spare her money for fuel for her car, he always demands a refund! “Ni nkhongole yamene nakupasa and I expect you to pay me back soon.” (I have lent you the money and you must pay me back soon) The girlfriend runs an eatery in the central business district of the city. One day, when she was stocking up for the restaurant, there was a shortage of mealie meal.
She managed to buy one bag of mealie meal instead of three and she was worried that it would not last for two days or so. The “husband” was told about this, and so he showed concern the following day by buying two more bags for her but not without strings attached.
“I expect to be refunded when you make sales. Those bags are not for free,” he is said to have told her point blank. But now, listen to this. The following day, he went to have lunch at the “wife’s” place and after the meal he said, “You can deduct the cost of my meal from what you owe me. I expect change!”
One day, the woman had a minor accident and damaged her car when it fell in a ditch. Surprisingly, the man is said to have forked out K5,000 for repairs and never asked for a refund. But the woman is not sure whether one day he will not ask her to repay him with interest.
When the woman asks him for financial help for her two children, the man is said to always ask: “Where is their father?” In short the business of looking after another man’s children is not his.
But hear more about this extra-ordinary man. He does not believe in having house maids. You would think perhaps that the job of house cleaning would be done by the woman. Far from it. He does the sweeping, cleaning, cooking, washing and all himself! Of course the woman helps him when he sees it fit. Good “husband”!
When it comes to shopping for groceries, the man is said to fill trolley loads for his home, but when the woman he lives with asks for a portion of the goodies to give to her children at her house, the man says: “These groceries and other items are meant for my home only. Other homes should take care of themselves.”
Over the four years that they have lived together, the man has never made love to her without a condom. The woman told my wife, “In fact, his monthly budget always includes condoms!”
When I asked my wife whether this man is not a playboy who believes is using and dumping women, she said he wasn’t according her friend. To the contrary, he is said to be an “indoors man” who rarely goes out to socialize.
But what does he do home most of the time. The man is a voracious reader. He reads various newspapers from back to back, from the front page to the sports page and he can give you minute details of even the smallest advertisements!
This non-stop appetite for reading, means that his woman has no one to talk to even if they are inches apart in the same room. He lives in a surreal world, reminding us of the cultivation theory of mass communication which theorizes that the more television people watch, they more they believe it is reality.
I asked my wife what it is that keeps her friend in this meaningless, worthless and mentally tormenting affair, she could not explain, but after hearing that the man appears to have a lucrative job and sometimes travels to London, I surmised that perhaps that was why she was sticking to him like glue.
But for how long can she stand this, considering all her troubles? Is she suffering from fear of the unknown? Can she take a risk like other women who move on when the going is tough and sometimes become successful on their own or after marrying someone else? Very baffling indeed.
NB: Contributions to this column, the column you write, should be sent to The Editor, “It happened to me” P O Box 30394, Lusaka, email: tozletters@gmail.com or drop them at any of our Times Printpak offices.  Please note that it may take some time before articles are published; this is because they are published on a first- come- first- served basis. Don’t lose hope. Keep sending in your valuable contributions. Editor.