HE has given up, this Stakes “Girls” Chitambo.  I mean that hide and seek stuff I told you about a fortnight ago when he abandoned his home and took emergency leave from work after being alerted that some curious fellow whose wife he had bedded had bought a bow and some arrows specifically to take revenge on “Girls” by putting one of those sharp instruments of harm through his heart though I suspect he would be happier to put it squarely between the foolish Tumbuka man’s legs!
He left our Avondale home where he had taken refuge under the guise of visiting me, the retiree and spending some quiet times together.
He got bored and tired of hibernating from a foe he didn’t know, just as the whole charade caused him too much anxiety and uncertainty.
He said he would rather get back to his home, get back to the office and give his adversary the opportunity to shoot him with the arrow and get it over with.
He tried sneaking in a phone call but could not get through to the woman with whom he had committed the mortal sin that had now had him condemned to death by piercing with an arrow. As usual, there were always people with theories and rumours about what might be happening and what might have happened.
I mean this trade in probabilities and possibilities as well as plain fibs, lies, had to go on otherwise what would the likes of Mrs Vainesi Mtolilo be doing if we eliminated gossip?
The rumour mill had it that the man had once more pounded his wife, this probably being the sixth or seventh time since he discovered her adultery that he was panel beating her!
After doing the angry deed, he withdrew the phone from her, literally chewed the sim card to pieces and said she would never again own a phone as long as she remained his wife and wanted forgiveness.
Those that offered probabilities theorised that her being unreachable on phone was a ploy to make “Girls” come out of hiding as he would be devoid of any meaningful information. That would put him squarely in the angry man’s line of fire.
Now, even though “Girls” says it’s ok they can shoot him in whatever section of the body they want, he is still scared silly.
He careered off the road and rammed into a sign post just at the sound of a car hooter behind him.
The driver who honked had just identified a colleague driving in the opposite direction and was honking as a way of exchanging greetings.  But our “Girls” got so startled, fearing it was the other man, the owner of the wife, asking him to stop so he could squeeze an arrow between his knock-kneed legs.
Fortunately, this was a minor accident in which his car escaped with a small dent on the fender. The poor sign post was, however, not as fortunate. It was ripped out of the ground and was sent hurtling across the road, barely missing a young lady with a basin full of cucumbers on her head.
Upon recovering a bit from the shock, “Girls” was so confused in his haste to get away from who he thought was his adversary that he ended up engaging the reverse gear and when he stepped on the accelerator, the little car started flying in reverse, only for him to realise his error, jam on the brakes just as a mini bus was headed straight at the passenger door, and miraculously evaded the accident.
“Mudala ni cani iwe (What’s the matter old man)?” bystanders and other drivers who had witnessed the confusion asked him.
When one night there was too much and rather sudden barking of the neighbours’ dogs as he slept uncomfortably, “Girls” the main man got so startled he made a quick escape from the bedroom, his wife thinking he had developed diarrhoea, hence running to the lavatory.
He instinctively took refuge behind a newly-opened bag of Pembe Breakfast meal in the small pantry. But the dogs would bark half the night because they were not barking at the man with arrows, as “Gilrs” feared.
It was mating season for the bastards so they were fighting and biting off each other’s ears and noses over the single miserable looking township bitch that had strayed in the direction of Chitambo’s home.
It’s not pleasant to be a hunted man.  You do all sorts of crazy things like telling his wife when she discovered him in the pantry flat on his tummy behind a bag of mealie meal several long minutes later that he must have sleep walked and that he didn’t even realise he was lying on his stomach in the pantry.
He never was an actor but for some reason, the wife bought the fib and sympathised greatly, even suggesting that the famous Satanists she had heard were on the prowl in town must now have reached their side of town.
Man did she pray almost the entire night for the Devil to let go of her husband. She bound the Devil, the demons, the Satanists, the wizards, the witches, name them.
She bound death as if death was such a weakling he could offer his hands in front of him and allow a crazed woman to bind him just because he was believed to be threatening some miserable lecher of a man who in fact was running into hiding on account of some ten male dogs chewing the hell out of each other for the chance to mount some ugly little dog! That’s how exciting adultery can be, Mr Stakes “Girls” Chitambo!
Where this will end, only heaven knows. But it’s suspenseful and I don’t think he is enjoying at all.
No wonder too he has a constant supply of Flagyl, the anti-biotic they often give you to deal with food poisoning and other instances of purging.  He has suffered so many bouts of diarrhoea as a result of fear of the unknown.
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Our half-brother Joks Jokonya, my ugly lookalike from another mother, that despicable relative who stays at Kaulembe, some little dump outside Chipata as you go towards Lundazi, has been divorced by his wife of many, many years. Now, that’s laughable.
How does one get divorced in advanced age, after retirement so to speak? Where were the serious problems all along not to have occurred earlier that came to haunt them in retirement?
But maybe that is not the point after all. This man is not that advanced in age. He was retired prematurely on purely humanitarian grounds because what the people in his community had asked for was that he be removed, fired, if the Ministry of Agriculture which employed him as an Agricultural Extension Officer did not want to pick him as a dead body hanging from a mango tree.
They didn’t like his antics at all they declared him persona non grata in those areas. Who wouldn’t want expelled a man who drank beer as if his life depended on it, made an absolute idiot of himself including urinating on himself, when he was reasonably idiotic, or urinating in the well where the villagers drank their water from when he had gotten himself so intoxicated he could only be described as a total imbecile!
They hated him more, nevertheless, for his ability to seduce other people’s wives, their sisters, their aunties, grandmothers and even daughters.
Look, this man was just on rampage doing the most unthinkable things you expected from a dirty, filthy, ugly and idiotic fellow.
I wonder…how did he convince women to do whatever with him when his teeth were stained with piles of food particles from days of no teeth-brushing?
But anyway, the fellow has been disowned by his wife, at last. She has told everybody what it is that she is fed up with and everybody agrees with her she’s actually a heroine for having stayed this long with a nincompoop of his magnitude.
So they urged her on and voila! She has divorced him! Some brothers, I tell you. Nothing seems to suit him or fit on his body. His head is too small for his wide shoulders. His teeth are dirty. His clothes are filthy.
And then finally, he gets divorced! Not even divorce seems to suit or fit him! What a misfit, I tell you. Anyway, come to think of it, Joks Jokonya…what do you expect from a man with such a queer name? Serves you right, divorcee!!