By SUNITTA CHILAKA –

THE well-known key ingredient to a successful marriage is communication.
This topic has been beaten to death by writers of books, ministers of the Gospel and marriage counsellors on the subject of marriage, so l will hit it lightly with power though.
I would like to offer a few less overworked thoughts on marital communication; however, that might be useful to young couples.
The only time some married men open their mouth is when they are yawning or when celebrating a goal while watching a soccer match.
Lack of communication has caused too much drama in marriages, but what is the solution to such communication problems?
The last part of Deuteronomy 24:5 says …… and cheers up his wife which he hath taken.
The church and marriage counsellors have overlooked the steps leading to a strong and successful marriage.
Dating, courtship, engagement and then marriage are the steps which lead to a successful marriage.
The time to lay the proper foundation for a solid rock communicative marriage is when the relationship is starting during dating.
When communication is started during the early stages of a relationship well then even in marriage, couples will have a lot of things to talk about. Laugh together Proverbs 17:22 and pray together 1 Peter 3:7.
The role of the Church is not only to bless the marriage or hand you a marriage certificate, they must be involved as early as the dating process.
For the man appropriate counsel must be given before proposing and for a lady appropriate counsel before accepting.
There are things in life which are classified as accidents and marriage is not one of them. No one just wakes up from sleep and finds himself or herself with a ring on her finger and a marriage certificate put next to the pillow.
Before marriage there is dating, courtship and engagement. The first two have been thought of to be sinful and the Church, parents want to come in when the young adults declare they want to engage and marry.
The young adults are ignorant about dating and courtship, the importance of these two, this is why they end up skipping the two important stages and go straight into engagement and have their honeymoon before getting married. James C Dobson founder and president of Focus on the Family, writes in his book Love for a Lifetime, part of the problem of marriage is that many couples come into marriage having had no healthy role models in their formative years.
Apostle Paul wrote to Titus in chapter 2: 4-5 NIV, these older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands.
Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.
Older women are ever complaining about the way the young ladies are dressing and marrying for wrong reasons which is not helping them at all. They need to be taught the right way to do things.
They are ignorant as they have been left to find teachings on their own.
During dating the two people learn much about each other’s opinions, activities, hobbies, likes, dislikes, tribe, name and age. If they are compatible they become friends.
Courtship is about open and honest exploration of each other’s lives and families leading up to engagement and marriage. You court in order to see if there is any reason why you shouldn’t get married to that person.
This is a time when you become friends not with benefits, stay out of bed unless you go there alone.
Be friends that share the passion and commitment of Christ Song of Songs 5:16. Courtship is a word that has been adopted to describe a biblical model for the relationship leading up to marriage.
Engagement starts immediately there has been a proposal by a man to the lady and the parents are involved then dowry is paid.
Two biblical terms are used for this type of relationship are betrothed and espoused as seen in the following scriptures Deuteronomy 20:7, 22, Leviticus19:20 and Matthew 1:18.
If time can be reserved for meaningful conversations during dating, courtship and engagement then it cannot be a challenge to do so even in marriage. Meaningful conversations built on a strong foundation keep the love alive.
If communication never occurs in the early stages then major conflicts occur in marriages when the couple discovers that they differ radically on what each partner considers being non negotiable issues.
If this was discovered during dating the couple would have dealt with it or call it quite.
When communication is not built in the early stages of the relationship, the husband and wife will run out of words in marriage.
A husband will not really be affected as he will get lost in the late night football but the wife who is more verbal will be frustrated as she really wants to know how work was, eager to share how her day was and the children’s needs.
The husband is busy, finds some things better left unsaid. It’s a classic struggle which has led to many divorces.
What you communicate about matters, talk about things that will build your marriage and not comparing your marriage or hoping your marriage was like your friend’s marriage.
A successful marriage depends on the attitudes involved than the partners involved.
God saw how Adam was lonely, no one to talk to and He said “it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2: 18. God made a suitable helper, partner to communicate with and not a punching bag to ease the loneliness. Enjoy your marriages while on earth, in heaven there will be no marriages.