Dear Josephine
I am married to a man who has been faithful all along. The only time I caught him doing something funny was last week when I found him making love to our maid.
I was mad and chased the maid from home. I raised hell shouting outside the house, an action that attracted neighbours.
However, my husband is blackmailing me that if I continue making a fuss out of his behaviour, he will divorce me and marry the maid. I don’t want to be divorced since I still love him despite what he did. What should I do?
Confused
Ndola

Dear Confused
I feel for you though I am against your weakness to allow the person who wronged you to blackmail you.
I would suggest you dare him to go ahead and marry the maid. If he really loves you he shouldn’t threaten you with divorce or even sleep with the maid in your house.
Please dare the idiot to divorce you.

Is oral sex between a married couple wrong?

Dear Josephine
I am married to a God-fearing man whom I cannot fault on any other unbiblical conduct apart from oral sex which he forces me to engage in. His argument is that there is no sex practise that is wrong for a married couple. Is he biblically right?
MM
Ndola

Dear MM
This is a serious question, and I will answer it by quoting Scriptures since the chances of missing the point abound.
The first thing we must say is that the Bible does not directly address this question.  This is the same with things like smoking. However, the Bible is clear on sexual fidelity (e.g. Hebrews 13:4; Ephesians 5:1-3; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11).
The Bible does speak to us about our sexual conduct in general terms, and these principles should guide us.
First, the Bible is clear that our bodies are not our own, and that we are to glorify God with our bodies (see 1 Corinthians 6:12-20; 10:31). Our sexual conduct in marriage should glorify God.
Second, the Bible instructs that we are not to deprive our mates of sex, and that our bodies (in a sense) belong to our mate (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
Third, sexual practices that are “contrary to nature” are forbidden (Romans 1:26-27). Homosexuality is the most obvious – and clearly condemned — example.
Fourth, our sanctification involves a different sexual ethic and practice than that of the unbelieving world (1 Thessalonians 4:1-8; note especially verse 5).
Fifth, the husband is to live with his wife in an understanding way, or as the NET Bible puts it, “treat your wives with consideration” (1 Peter 3:7).
This consideration should surely include what satisfies and stimulates his wife, and what is offensive.
Sixth, all Christians are to live together in a spirit of humility, practising servanthood – not seeking our own interests, but the interests of others (Philippians 2:1)
Surely this would imply (if not clearly indicate) that the husband should seek the sexual fulfillment/satisfaction of his wife, as the wife should do for her husband.
But when a particular practice is offensive to one, I would think that the other should not pursue it. The husband is to seek the purification of his wife (Ephesians 5:25-27).
I believe we should avoid every sexual practice that is clearly forbidden in the word of God, and that we should enjoy the freedom God gives to us in other matters, subject to the governing principles stated above and our conscience.
It seems to me that in the particular issues you have raised, the husband has “liberty” (in his mind) to practise oral sex, and the wife does not.
Even if her reticence is a matter of preference, I think the husband should honour it. (On the other hand, if it is only a matter of preference, the wife may choose to accommodate her husband, for his pleasure.)
But if the wife has a guilt conscience about this matter, then the husband should not use either his authority or his need for sexual pleasure to compel his wife to practise oral sex, and thus to sin (Romans 14:23).
Neither should he argue with her about this matter, seeking to change her mind (Romans 14:1-8, 19, 22).

My husband wants a second wife
Dear Josephine
I am married to an educated but very old-fashioned husband who is showing his colours since we relocated back home in Kasama where he hails from.
I have been with this man for many years and borne him seven children.
The only problem is that since I am old just like him, he says he wants a second younger wife in what Bembas call impokeleshi (a helper).
The first time he mentioned this I thought he was drunk and dismissed it.
I was surprised the following week to be visited by his female friend who asked me if he has told me about his decision to bring a second wife home.
I was distraught and angrily confronted him about this. He accused me of being immature since I wasn’t schooled in the Bemba culture.
Isn’t what he is suggesting a primitive and cruel marital practice that should be discouraged? Please help!
Bana Kuku
Kasama

Dear Bana Kuku
I totally agree with you that your husband wants to impose a primitive and cruel custom on you.
The marital custom he wants to impose is quickly fading away in civilised societies and should not be unearthed from the tradition archives.
I would suggest that you annoy him by telling him that you also want to marry a younger man who can satisfy you in bed than an old man like him.
I am not being judgemental, but I say this knowing that the custom of impokeleshi was based on selfishness and a wrong belief that an old woman ceased to be active in bed.
The traditionalists who championed this custom failed to realise that even an old man ceases to be active in bed.

How long should sex last?
Dear Josephine
I am married to a man who never goes beyond three minutes and yet he argues that that is a long period enough for one to experience satisfaction in bed.
I feel since I enjoy sex for 30 minutes or more, this is torture to me. I have tried to convince my husband to do better but all in vain. What should I do?
Jane M
Lusaka

Dear Jane M
According to different people, everyone seems to complain that they either last way too long in bed or not nearly long enough. But what’s actually normal? What should we be shooting for universally?
According to the new study “Canadian and American Sex Therapists’ Perceptions of Normal and Abnormal Ejaculatory Latencies: How Long Should Intercourse Last?” adequate coitus lasts anywhere from three to seven minutes, not including the Pledge of Allegiance.
So your husband is not far from the mark though he is inconsiderate of your feelings as his partner.
The data above from all the normal people who see therapists for sexual problems corresponds closely to earlier studies, which put the average at five to seven minutes.
What you should note though is that very few people have intercourse that goes longer than 12 minutes.
My advice is for you to talk to your husband about this problem so that you come up with a period that is agreeable for both of you.

He can’t have sex in the bedroom
Dear Josephine
I have a strange husband who can’t have sex with me in the bedroom. He suggests we have it elsewhere preferably in his car or even in the bush. Is this normal?
Lucy B
Kitwe

Dear Lucy B
Your husband is very normal since like many other people including women a familiar place doesn’t usually offer enjoyable sex.
It explains why some people have sex in very unlikely places like toilets, boardrooms, laundry rooms, bush or even in the garden.
Remember sex in the bedroom becomes monotonous and thus the need to change places.

She no longer loves me now that I am unemployed
Dear Josephine
Since I lost my job, my wife of seven years no longer loves me and is giving me a cold shoulder. I feel this is unfair since I used to provide for her when I was in employment. What should I do to save our marriage?
Bobby K
Kalulushi

Dear Bobby K
It is very normal for women to show less love or no love when their partners lose jobs. Instead of overreacting, I would realistically suggest you find another job to save your marriage.
A job is very important in marriage since it means providing for your wife and the children.
Please don’t be harsh on your wife but be realistic and find another job.
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