Dear Josephine
I MARRIED a girl who I had been dating at college and we have two children together. I lost my own virginity to her. I fell in love with her because unlike other girls at college, she never partied or socialised.
Further, she told me that she was a virgin. I even used to boast to my friends that I was dating a virgin who was only waiting for marriage before she could engage in sex.
However, I was wrong since on our first encounter, I realised she was not a virgin. This devastated me, though I thought I would get over it.
However, it has continued gnawing at my psyche. I confronted her about this, but she insisted she had never slept with any man before she met me.What should I do?
Kabaso
Kitwe

Dear Kabaso
YOUR fears are unfounded and somehow based on ignorance. A girl can lose her virginity without sex.
Many people have asked me if a girl can lose virginity without sleeping with a man. My answer is Yes and No, depending on individual’s definition of virginity.
Because the word can mean different things to different people.
Some define it as never having intercourse with a partner. Which, of course, is the most accurate definition of virginity.
If that’s your own definition, then, the answer to the question above is ‘NO’.
You can’t lose your virginity without having sexual intercourse.
But some still calls a girl virgin, until she loses her ‘Hymen’.
The hymen is a thin piece of tissue (flesh) that partially covers the opening of the vagina. It is an elastic skin that could stretch back and forth. Yet, this hymen could tear even without having sex.
Therefore, if virginity, to you, means having the hymen unbroken, then a girl can lose her virginity without sexual intercourse.
Hymen could be broken due to other practices like:
• Using a Tampon: A girl could cause the hymen to be broken using a tampon.
A tampon is a cylindrical mass of absorbent material, primarily used as a feminine hygiene product. It is designed to be easily inserted into the vagina during menstruation to absorb the user’s menstrual flow. Some girls like tampons because they find them more comfortable than sanitary pads.
• Playing Sports: Some sports, like football and basketball, are sports that require a lot of movement and jumping could cause damage to the hymen.
Excessive movement may harm girls who are still virgins, possibly causing them to lose their virginity (hymen).
• Horse and bike riding: This is a sport that has high percentage chance of damaging the hymen. Due to the excessive movement and vibration occurring in this part of the girl’s body, she could lose her hymen.
• Nevertheless, some are born without a hymen
You see my jealous man, there are many ways of losing virginity other than sex.

How many times should a man sleep with his wife?
Dear Josephine
HOW often should a married man have sex?  I ask this question because I just don’t think about sex that much like my husband.
But my husband says he thinks about it all the time and he gets me to bed often.  Even though I can go weeks or months and not miss it, since he can’t, I try to do the right thing for his sake.
I feel like I can’t win. But if I knew how often a man needs sex I could plan on that, and hopefully that would help.
GK
Chingola

Dear GK
The number of times a man should have sex differs for most men. Research has shown that there seems to be no one standard amount of sex that men ‘need’ to have.
We, women think of sex as being primarily a physical need for a man: but it isn’t.  One of a man’s deepest emotional needs is to feel that his wife desires him.
And if he sees that his wife desires him, it gives him a sense of well-being in all the other areas of his life.
But for many women, we just don’t realise how important it is to be purposeful about developing new habits of showing our husbands love in this way; of learning how to do it, and doing it enthusiastically because it is so emotionally important to our men.

My hubby is hooked to porno
Dear Josephine
PLEASE help, I have a husband who is hooked to pornography and can’t have sex without watching several blue movies which he says turns him on. It is getting on my nerves to an extent that sometimes I deny him sex because of this. What should I do?
Lucy
Chililabombwe

Dear Lucy
EVERY week, I receive numerous letters from wives who have discovered that their husbands are looking at porn, and it’s heart-breaking.  Porn can wreck a marriage.
As a Christian, men who watch porno replace their wives with the images of pictures in blue movies, whom they lust after.
Jesus stated so clearly in the Bible, that to lust at a woman is committing adultery in your heart.  It goes directly against marriage vows.

My wife is frigid
Dear Josephine
MY wife has no desire to participate in sex.  She always has a reason to say no, citing medical, fatigue, timing or some other stupid excuse.
I will never cheat on her or leave her, but she will never appreciate just how much I want sex and how much she kills me emotionally and mentally by constantly denying my desires and needs.
Sex is always on her terms and on her time. What should I do?
Fabian,
Kitwe

Dear Fabian
THERE are no frigid women; just men who are terrible lovers. It is common for men who can make love well to blame women.
Since sex is a macho thing among many men, few can accept their own inadequacies. In this case, women end up as scapegoats with accusations of the so called weaker sex abounding.
Try to talk to your wife about what she loves and hates during sex and see how it goes.

My hubby’s promiscuous past, my promiscuous future
Dear Josephine
MY husband aged 41, of two years, has slept with lots of women, probably around 75, although he has never cheated and has always been very open about his past with me.
He did, however, give me a minor treatable STD when we first got together (he was asymptomatic) and I harbour some anger about that still.
I have slept with maybe a quarter of this and am a bit younger (35 years), but I kind of feel like having an affair with an old friend from college whom I know would be game and who will be in the city next month.
I am confused because I know I am supposed to feel guilty about that, but I don’t. I would use protection, etc.
I feel like it would help my self esteem a lot and help me feel like I am on a more even playing field with him. And I wouldn’t get caught, and if I did it, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I know he would forgive me.
My question is; is having an affair really that ‘wrong’ if it’s done responsibly, with protection, and without any strings attached?
Worried woman
Mufulira

Dear worried woman
I think the bigger question is why do you want to have an affair? To get even with your husband for having more notches in the belt? Is it revenge for the STD or something else?
Regardless of what you decide, you’ll benefit from figuring out the issues with your marriage and trying to fix them.
As for the guilt, just because you don’t have any now doesn’t mean you won’t have any later. Not trying to dissuade you, but it may be something to consider.
I think your grudge about the STD is a bit misplaced, (he was asympthomatic after all) unless you had asked him to get tested or he had implied that he was regularly tested or something along those lines.
As far as the number of partners goes, you should tell him that it bothers you (not being at the same number) and you’d like the opportunity to catch up.
Whatever you plan to do won’t help unless you talk to your husband.

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