IT’S that time again when we must make way for our indefatigable super heroes, our twins Pachikani and Mpachikeni. They are back for holidays and what a long time the December holidays always turn out to be! You always hope that as they grow in age, as they grow taller, and maybe as a result of constant punishment by the prefects and teachers at school, you will see a different set of twins and enjoy their presence in peace. We do truly miss these guys but when they arrive, gosh! They are such a despicable combination!
When their mother drove them into the yard from boarding school, there was a simple occurrence over which they exchanged such terrible blows I was compelled, well against my wishes to take out my belt and thrash them both with heavy blows on their backsides. Mpachikeni, the junior twin, had literally jumped out of the car before it could properly stop and declared that for the December holidays, he had arrived home BEFORE his brother Pachikani!
“Ndinenayambilakufika (I was the first to arrive)!” he screamed jubilantly, raising his arms.
Can you imagine? That is obviously utter rubbish because they arrived together in Mrs Njombwinjo’s Toyota Starlet, yet instead of either ignoring his brother or reasoning as I have done, he got out of the car and came running after his twin brother and smacked his face with a backhand slap.
“Ulwishacanifusek (What are you up to, get lost)!” shouted the brother literally flying out of the car after him and kung fu chopping him on the neck.
Then they got to grips in a wrestling tangle, calling each other the most debasing things I am considering moving them to another school if at the place where they are they don’t check and control their language.No sane parent wants to hear his or her children referring to each other as a male private part, the way confused Bemba boys and men do. That’s not part of the culture where we come from. So the weirdest welcome awaited my boys upon their arrival: a beating!
And that was the sign of what lay ahead of us for the entire duration of the school holidays, that nothing has changed, that these guys will clobber each other at any given opportunity, just as I realised then that they will also form a tag team and beat up every child in the neighbourhood who will cross their paths. There must be many parents who are loathing this time too as they know their children will no longer enjoy real peace unless they can subjugate themselves fully to Pachikani and Mpachikeni. The bosses are in and the rest must play second fiddle and ‘Yes Bwana’ at every game.
They fought again though it was short-lived because they had to run away, out through the kitchen and into the courtyard when they realised I would cane them again, again Mpachikeni causing trouble by announcing that he was a class librarian while Pachikani, the older one had not been appointed to any responsibility in school. Pachikani responded by stating that he did not want to be anybody’s ‘buju’, derogative reference to police officer. He said Mpachikeni was so backward he was happy to be appointed as a buju at school. He teased that Mpachikeni was a trainee cop at Lilayi Police College and laughed uproariously. He got slapped again. But, expecting the slap, he responded with a harder one of his own which was obviously so painful it got his brother to wince in pain. As he prepared a missile, he saw my immediate reaction, again reaching for my belt, and bolted followed by his brother.
Later in the evening we heard about the Mtolilos’ dog, which had been stoned so badly on one of its legs it was unable to even limp around. We were told the dog was too ugly and filthy to be permitted to wag its tail excitedly at the twins so to send the message about how such affections were most unwelcome, Pachikani just hit the poor thing with a huge stone and it wailed for minutes on end before sitting by its masters’ veranda, unable to walk. Just imagine! I feel so sorry for the innocent friendly dog, happy to see these guys back, only to be injured like that! I feel so irritated but someone out there tell me what to do with these boys. We tried one holiday by sending them to grandpa, to no avail, really. I have talked to one guy at Chainama who believes there is no abnormality in their conduct and that they will grow out of it. But phew! What a life!
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I think I have a problem with one of the little girls in the neighbourhood. Maybe that’s the price I must pay for spending much time in the neighbourhood, walking around the close or out to the shopping mall and back. I got noticed by Tera, who is by all accounts only 18. She’s been out of high school two years now simply because her parents got her to attempt the Grade 7 exam when she was in Grade 5 at which she excelled and so ended up completing her Grade 12 at only 16.
Whatever she’s been doing either during high school or after, I don’t know (and I don’t appreciate) because she is totally street wise and has no fear of adults. I don’t want to explain how we got talking because that’s a long (maybe even boring) story but she is one kid that got me to like her, trust her and respect her then trapped me and showed me her true colours! Look, you by now know that I normally only get to misbehave by way of extra marital relations when I have taken too much alcohol. But that is not to say I cannot notice a beautiful woman or even get tempted and excited by a good neighbour’s naughty daughter.
Tera …aah! I have had similar problems, in fact not too long ago, with kids. But Tera has just popped up also and look… I am not going to hold back. It’s not my fault that the kid has gone crazy for me (or if she isn’t exactly that, she probably believes that older men are gold or diamond waiting to be mined)! So if you see me at the nearest pub with a cute little thing, either pretending to be holy dad and his daughter, or in our drunken stupor arm in arm – because she does get quite high on Hunters Gold – don’t put no blame on me. Don’t stand agape there staring at us as we leave a room at some lodge, after doing whatever we may have gone there for in broad daylight, don’t!
Don’t tell me I am a shameless old fellow preying on other people’s children, no ways. You should be there when Tera phones me! Or maybe you should read her absolutely erotic text messages before you heap any blame on me. “Cmemek ma toes tuch ma shoders…” she wrote in one. “Tym 4 ma skrimsbaley, u cumin o na?” You should plant a recording machine and hear the adult stuff she churns out when she believes nobody else is listening.
She is totally out of this world. If you thought staying more at home would change me, you should have thought about children like Tera preying on innocent, unsuspecting adults and blowing the sense s out of them, giving them such youthful bliss by the time the deed is done, the ‘biggee’ is so confused he can actually be admitted for observation at Chainama Hospital!
Not my fault, do you hear? I am not interested in your advice. I didn’t go looking for an 18 year old kid.
She came hunting me and gave me what many of your wives won’t give you. A terribly confusing and blissfully romantic treat! So leave me alone!
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