I WAS shocked when I overheard a young woman proposing a handsome young man on the bus, “You know I’d marry you,” she told him.  “Do you want to get married?” she asked.
“Look, I’ll even buy the ring and pay dowry for you if that will make it easier.”  The young man shook his head in disbelief.
I could not believe what I was hearing, women are not supposed to do that…are they? I am aware Ngoni women do.
The truth of the matter is that we’re not sure how to behave.  Men don’t know what it means to be a man, so we lazily do whatever is easiest.
Women also don’t know what it means to be a woman, so they end up acting like men.
Relating to the opposite sex can be confusing when you don’t know what you’re made of.
What did God have in mind when He created two sexes?  What was His plan?
And how should His purposes for manhood and womanhood inform the way we relate in society as men and women?
Before we can glorify God in our relationships with each other, we have to understand and embrace the unique roles God has assigned us as men and women.
For many people, the idea that a Creator assigns roles is offensive.
They don’t want any person, any religion, or any God telling them how to express their manhood or womanhood.  They reject the idea of God-given roles and do whatever they can to blur gender distinctions.
The state of human sexuality today is like a play in which the cast is in rebellion against the playwright and his story.  Imagine the chaos.  The actors hate him.
They reject their roles and mock the script.  To show their contempt, some refuse even to read their lines.  Other actors switch their roles and costumes to confuse the plot.
Still others read their parts out of place, slur their lines, and lace them with obscenities.
This is the picture of the wicked and perverse generation in which Christians are called to shine like stars (Philippians 2:15).
It is a generation where men act like women and women act like men.
And it’s amidst this chaos that God wants his children to be faithful to the roles He has assigned us, even though the majority of humanity have abandoned them.
Just as a play is written by a playwright, the story of human history is written by God.
The Bible teaches that our roles as male and female are part of the beautiful story God is telling.
God created us in His image, we reflect something of who He is (Genesis 1:27).   Therefore, faithfulness to God’s definition of manhood and womanhood is faithfulness to Him.
Every scene we take part in – practising biblical manhood and womanhood while single, in friendship with the opposite sex, in courtship, in marriage is a chance to bring honour to the Playwright who is God.
In fact, the Bible tells us that the union of man and woman in marriage points to the climatic final scene when Christ returns for His Church, the bride He died to save Ephesians 5:31- 32).
This is why our roles as men and women matter.  This is why we embrace our God-given differences and why we never want to loose them.
God has made us male and female to tell a story too marvelous for us to fully comprehend.
He has made the sexes different from each other to reflect a reality of His plan for us.
Following God’s script for our sexuality in every scene of our lives means that we are depicting the truth and faithfully telling His story.
And when we do that, we experience the fullness of life that God wants for us as men and women.  His plan leads us to our joy and life fulfillment.
From the first two chapters of the Bible we learn that Adam and Eve were created equal in God’s sight.
In our Zambian culture, in which women are often belittled and abused, this fact needs to be clearly stated.  God made women totally equal to men in personhood, dignity, and worth.  They are no less important, they are valuable to God.
Within the context of their equality, God assigned men and women different roles.  He made Adam first, signifying his unique role as a leader and initiator.
He created Eve from Adam’s rib and brought her to Adam to be his helper in the tasks God had assigned him.
She was made to complement, nourish, and help her husband.  God’s great gift to man was “a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18).  This doesn’t minimise a woman’s role, but it does define it.
God didn’t make us to duplicate each other, but to complement each other.  The point here is not that Adam was better than Eve, just as God the father is not “better” than God the Son.
Father and Son are equal in essence, power, glory, and worth, but they have different roles; and the Son joyfully submits to the Father’s will (1 Corinthians 15:28).  So in marriage a husband and wife are equal, even though Scriptures tells the wife to joyfully submit to her husband’s leadership.
I like the way Matthew Henry explain it in his Bible Commentary on Genesis, “Eve was not taken out of Adam’s head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him.”
In Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul says that the husband’s leadership isn’t to be tyrannical or cruel, but kind and loving.
Men are called to love their wives sacrificially and selflessly just like Jesus loves the church.
Wives are instructed to obey their husbands just as the Church obeys Christ.
This is not mindless, joyless submission, but active participation and response to la loving leadership.
How is it in your marriage? Are the roles properly defined?  Are you complementing each other?
LET MEN BE MEN
Guess what? You do not have to wait until marriage for you to participate in the beautiful harmony of God’s plan for the sexes.
Marriage doesn’t make you a man or a woman-you already are one.  God wants you to practise mature manhood and womanhood right now.
Paul tells the single Timothy to treat younger women as “sisters, with absolute purity” (1 Timothy 5:2).   He is to view young women as sisters not as guys.
What this teaches is that our gender roles are important throughout our lives.  This means that, before we are husbands and wives we are brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus.
The gentlemen can practice tender, servant leadership right now.  You the ladies can also practice responsive support to godly men in your life today.
Side by side we can grow into godly men and women God wants us to be.
In this section we want to talk about the men.  As men, we have our work cut for us; we need to take it very seriously.  We need to figure out what it means to be a man.
Elisabeth Elliot, wrote to her nephew Pete, “The world cries for men who are strong-strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer, yes, strong in morals.
I pray that you will be that kind of man, glad that God made you a man, glad to shoulder the burdens of manliness in a time when to do so will often bring contempt.”
I wish that all of us men were like that.  Unfortunately, many of us men fail more often than we succeed.
We let our sin; our fears and our laziness get the best of us.  We need to change.  We need to understand that God has made us for a reason no matter what we say.
God is calling for men to be servant initiators-firm, but gentle; masculine, yet caring; leaders, yet servants.
We are called to be protectors, not seducers.  Here are four practical ways men can do in their relationship with women:
Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationship with women.  Leading is a form of serving.
When you provide direction, suggest ideas, and initiate conversation or activities, you are serving your sisters.
This doesn’t mean that you treat women as if you are their husband and the one to lead them in important life decisions.
Even during the time of courtship, this isn’t your place. Until you’re a woman’s husband, she is under no obligation to submit to your leadership.
Sex is a no go area until after the pastor pronounces you husband and wife.  This is where many of us make mistakes.
Be a spiritual leader in your relationship with women.  We the men should set the spiritual tone in our relationship with women.
We are the ones who should make sure that our relationships aren’t superficial and entertainment oriented, but deep, God focused, and characterised by biblical fellowship.
The first important step is to make your own personal growth in godliness a priority.  Don’t be contented to be spiritual lukewarm – strive to set an example of passion for God.
Do little things in your relationship with women that communicate you care, respect, and desire to protect.  This doesn’t have to be complicated.
Simply be a gentleman to the women in your life.  Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as women is a noble one.
Let them feel your concern and respect in as many ways as you possibly can.  You can do this through small actions: open the door for them, pull out their chair, and escort them to their car at the end of your interaction with them.
If you need more guidance, ask a few Christian women for pointers.  You will be amazed how willing they’ll be to help educate you.
The women need education too; if a man is trying to treat you as a lady, don’t assume he has romantic interest in you.
My advice is that girls or women should assume that until a man expresses interest, they are just friends.
Encourage women to embrace godly femininity.  Look for ways to encourage our sisters in godly femininity.
When they make room for you to practice leadership, thank them.  When they are humble and gentle, encourage them.  Femininity is not weakness.
It requires great strength of character for a woman to be gentle in an age that screams for her to do otherwise.
When you see a woman going against the grain of culture by cultivating a skill that will serve her family someday, compliment her.
When a girl is pursuing a demanding career, but is still being feminine, let her know that you have noticed and respect her for that.
We the men should be the biggest encouragers and prayer warriors for women for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing godly femininity.
My appeal to the women is that they should not give up on us men.  We need your support.  We need your prayers.
We need you to help us fix our eyes on God.  Many of the men have misrepresented God in His plan.
LET WOMEN BE WOMEN
All the women are our sisters.  As the men fix their eyes on the Lord Jesus Christ, our women should do the same.
Just as men have misrepresented God’s plan, the women too have done the same.  Here are four ways the women can be sisters to the men in their lives and practice mature femininity.
In your relationship with godly men, encourage and make room for them to practise serious leadership.
Man’s biggest temptation is to be passive, a woman’s biggest temptation is to take control.  When a man fails to take control the woman grabs the steering wheel.
This solves the problems in the short term, but in the long run it only discourages the men to play their God given role as initiators.
The women should encourage the men to be men by refusing to do their work of leading for them.
What women need to do is to avoid developing a habit of initiating in your relationship with men.
For those who are single, they should go ahead and lead out until that time when they get married, since God asks a woman only to submit to her husband.  But single woman can.
So if you are in courtship, make room for him to lead.
Step back and let him be the one to take charge.  How else will he learn to lead?  How else can you practice for the time when you will follow a husband?
I know that men aren’t skilled as women at expressing feelings.  This can be seen very clearly during the time of courtship.  Women seem to be far ahead.  Give us time.
I’m very grateful that in my courtship with Irene thirty years ago, she gave me time to grow in my leadership skills.  I made a lot of mistakes and I still do.
Be a sister to the men in your life.  What are the categories you have for Christian men in your life—potential boyfriends, potential husbands, no potential whatsoever?
I would like to suggest that you drop all these categories.  You should view every Christian man as a brother.
Be a sister to all men in your life.  Pray for them.  Be yourself.  Don’t put up a front be a friend.
In 1976, as a young pastor, single, worked with a young lady in the same office.  The young man worked as an accountant while she served as a secretary.
One day he asked her, “What type of a husband would you like to have?  The answer surprised him.  “I am looking for some one like you” she said with a smile.
To her she saw a potential husband in him, while the pastor saw a friend in her.  Dear ladies, treat all men as friends unless otherwise.
Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling.  Today many people scorn motherhood and the skills associated with managing a home.  In our Zambian culture children are viewed as an inheritance.
The new confused culture is considering motherhood as a waste of a woman’s talents.  Many are afraid to have children because they do not want to spoil their figures.  What a tragedy!
Learning the art of motherhood is part of God’s plan for complete training of young women (Titus 2:3).
It is accepted that marriage is by choice, and so our ladies have the choice to marry or not to marry.
The single ladies can express their femininity by practicing hospitality, caring and nurturing the people in your life. You can honor God by agreeing that motherhood is a high and noble calling.
Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life.  If you want godly men to respect and cherish you as a woman, refuse to buy in to our culture’s obsession by being physically sexually alluring the men folk.
This is an attitude that springs from the motives of our hearts and extends to the way you dress and act around men.  Is your wardrobe an expression of your love for God?
Go to any church and see what the women in church are putting on, they dress in order to show off that new dress which they bought in China, or in the United States.  And so they attract.
There is a difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract the men folk.  Meet them during the week putting their tight trousers, showing off the geography of their bodies.
Have you asked a fellow Christian woman to honestly evaluate your clothing? Are you willing to sacrifice fashion to be obedient to God?
In Scripture, Peter tells Christian women that their beauty should be that of their inner selves, “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4).
The church should be a veritable beauty parlour, because it encourages its women members to adorn themselves with good deeds.
Women need to remember if nature has made them plain, grace can make them beautiful, and if nature has made them beautiful, good deeds can add to their beauty.
Grace will make you beautiful and will attract truly godly men to you.  Make godliness an inward beauty your priority.
Elisabeth Elliot, wrote, “A real woman,” understands that man was created to be the initiator, and she operates on that premise.  This is primarily a matter of attitude.
I am convinced that the woman who understand and accepts with gladness the difference between masculine and feminine will be, without pretense or self-consciousness, womanly.”
My prayer is that the women will be like this kind of woman – a woman who uses  her gifts to develops her mind, help the community, and is passionate about God, and yet who is, without question womanly.
For comments; Email: brysonkatele@yahoo.com Cell: +260977 772697; +260975 772697