MONEY and power do not only show us who people really are but also show us who they are capable of being.
That is why there is an adage which says “if you want to see someone’s true colours, give them money or power”.
From the Copperbelt Province in Luanshya, 28-year-old Marian (not real name), a mother of two, suffered for four years before finally deciding to separate from her abusive partner.
This became evident that talking about her partner’s income was not anywhere near empowering to forming a healthy relationship.
For her partner Simon, a significant increase in his salary meant indulging in some unpleasant activities which saw a new twist to his relationship with Marian.
Interestingly, a new job, change of town and increase in Simon’s pay triggered the domestic violence which affected the relationship.
Like many other relationships, Marian and her partner did not start off abusive or violent but, it was not until they moved to Ndola after he got a new job that everything unfolded.
It can be very challenging at the outset of a relationship to know if a partner will become abusive or violent later as you blend together.
Unfortunately, we have seen how an added income through business or a salary rise has brought more problems in relationships, especially marriages.
‘‘He was amazing in the beginning but, the late nights home, his spending that now became extravagant made me uncomfortable and when I raised my concerns he was overly dismissive or defensive,” Marian said
Studies show that there is no way one suddenly wakes up one day and goes from being respectful and a wonderful partner to hitting their partner.
In addition, if that does happen then the individual needs medical treatment because something is wrong.
This means that people don’t just change personally like that because they now have an upswing in their income or have excelled in life.
Similarly, some psychologist suggest that, even if it takes ten years for a person to become violent in a relationship that started all rosy, it is highly likely they have been abused in other ways in those years leading up to physical violence.
Naturally, we feel better about ourselves when we have the latest iPhone, buy the latest clothes that shops stock up that these feelings can result into poor habits if not managed.
It is now that Marian has realised that everything about Simon was a lie and fooled her into love so that she was that perfect target for exercising his power.
Stories of couples becoming violent against each other after excelling in their business, careers are not new.
For others a high income or stable business will see them go home late and sometimes will fail to go home for days.
Surprisingly, some families too have contributed because they demand for money from their children when they learn about their success.
For an African setup the financial upswing of a child means they must be given more responsibilities and decisions can be made by families without the concert of their partner, hence creating tension in the home.
We have read and witnessed stories of aggrieved wives complaining about how their partners have spent their pension on other women, became violent, or ran away from their matrimonial home.
Some men have complained, how career women and those in business become irate when asked about their income and other allowances or bonuses they get.
To make matters worse, the relationship is threatened and characterised with insecurity when a woman earns more money.
Also financial matters in relationships come with so many challenges as partners get loans without discussing how the loan will be dispensed creating a problem in planning.
I have no problem with people who bet but this becomes a problem one partner feels they need to control the resources and choose to bet without the other partner being aware.
Someone shared a story about a partner who was given a pay rise and just after his salary hit his account his gambling went to an unhealthy obsession with serious violence that rocked his marriage.
You would be absolutely floored to know how many partners do not know how much their partners earn despite so many years together in marriage.
A joke is told about a partner who took advantage of his illiterate wife and would produce a water bill as pay slip to justify why his salary in that particular month was low.
And so this feud of financial infidelity becomes a recipe for violence among couples who move to higher levels in their income.
For some partners, moving from being a have not” to a “have” means changing their character such as choosing to move with bad company
Financial advisers have cautioned that relating to money is just as important as relating to the people you care about.
Most abusive partners will fool the victims into loving them and wait for an opportunity to come so that they can control the victim as their eyes are fixed on a perfect target that they can easily prey on.
Like marriage experts observe, it is important for partners to use positive approaches both, when they experience a financial upswing or have financial challenges as this leads to a healthy relationship.
For comments jessiengm@gmail.com