IF you want to be in your children’s memories tomorrow, then you must be in your children’s lives today, reads one quote.
Many fathers feel raising children is more attached to mothers and so they leave all the parenting responsibility to women.
Little do we know that men and women are different, as we have seen from the mothers and fathers’ different parenting skills towards children.
In addition, it is observed that a strong and active father is very important to a boy’s growth as men are in the right position to exert a masculine influence upon their boy child which a mother cannot fill up.
The changing landscape of families has witnessed a new shift where one parent may be absent or living in another town or country trying to overcome the economical challenges to sustain a family.
However, family experts have observed that, for dads who live apart from their children, they may be limited options but writing letters, constant phone calls are important as this creates a bond with your children.
Equally, despite not sharing the physical proximity with your children, knowing your dad cares and him being involved in every stage of your life, is what matters for every child as they grow up.
Research shows that without doubt, fathers are an integral part of their sons’ healthy, emotional and physical growth from their first moments of life.
I was challenged by a young couple who said today’s parents are more involved than ever before as they have been seen to step up and spend more time with their children than the previous generations.
But a teacher, who sought anonymity based at one of the local schools in the peri-urban setup in Ndola, has observed with sadness how today’s parenting is full of challenges as we have seen a good number of children who barely know their fathers and if they do, they only go home to eat and sleep.
“Go in most of these homes with young parents, we have children who are longing to see the closeness of their parents. They rarely have time to check their children’s school work and monitor their day’s misbehavior and activities,” she said.
The teacher adds: “No wonder we have a number of defilement cases which go unnoticed and later impact the life of a child negatively. Elsewhere, they are too busy with their lifestyles and chasing their careers that, even when you ask them to come and see their child’s progress they assign parenting to their grandparents and house helpers.”
She said what was more painful was mothers, who are naturally known as the family’s care takers, have currently embraced beer drinking especially in low density areas.
“We have a lot of work to do as society as we continue to see a continuous circle of some fathers who still have grown with the anger, rejection hurt and bitterness as they have not healed the psychological effects of growing up without a father,” said.
To address the Sexual and Gender Based Violence (SGBV) being witnessed currently, the teacher says there is need to address the root cause of the problem.
“This is because raising a boy child means that as a parent or guardian you are raising somebody’s husband and father in future,” she said.
And for single mothers, who may feel discouraged bringing up their sons successfully alone, experts have stressed the need to find a good male role model to play a part in their child’s life and this can be a grandfather, an uncle or a family friend.
Without having this influence in their lives, boys are at risk of growing into men who have problems with behavior, emotional stability, and relationships with others as they interact including their own children.
Zambia Aged People’s Association (ZAPA) member bemoaned the absence of fathers in raising children.
ZAPA National Secretary Cyprian Pombolokani said the high social activity in Nkwazi Township had seen a number of irresponsible and runaway fathers.
He also said another challenge that the community experienced was some fathers getting employment out of town so that they could help with finances to feed their families.
“We are also seeing a good number of men that have neglected their duties as fathers while others are not responsible and spend the day drinking without proper care or monitoring of their children and these are the ones we are seeing patronising the bars, and as street children,” he said
Mr Pombolokani said some homes vulnerable to poverty and single mother parenting in the Township contributed to the breakdown of the family system.
He said the social challenges in townships like Nkwazi had become a source of concern as most of the social ills faced by children were related to fatherlessness.
“Boys look to their fathers to show them how to talk, treat women and this is why we need fathers to lead by example. What is also saddening is that, even the other male figures in some households that interact with the children do not exhibit good morals and have nothing positive to offer the young ones,” he said
Mr Pombolokani said good morals in children start from the family level.
When there is a breakdown, this affects society as these are the children we expect to be fathers, mothers, spouses and good citizens in future.
“Some fathers in our community have failed to demonstrate love in a caring way and therefore they cannot be role models to their own children hence, society has been faced with a number of social challenges such as defilement, rape and gender based violence,” he said
He said boys needed strong male role models to show them how to control their behaviour and emotions including teaching them how to develop through boyhood to become a man.
Family experts believe that one of the most important things fathers can teach their sons is to honour their feelings.
This entails that, fathers should teach boys that they have big feelings and that they should be allowed to express them.
Like society, fathers too have been observed to downplay the importance of emotion and feelings’, understanding in their interactions with their sons.
This is also evident in times of grieving were society has believed that men ought not to express themselves when mourning as this shows signs of weakness.
However experts have warned that this has the potential to damage the self esteem and can result into lasting damage.
If they can be comfortable with their feelings, if they are able to talk about them and are guided to find ways to deal with them, then they will grow up to be better men.
Notably, the challenge of gender based violence has seen men who are abused by their wives shy counseling or disclosing their status as they feel ashamed to open up and think that society would label them as week.
It is for this reason that experts observe how a father figure parent on the boy child gives them an insight into the world of men and prepares them for the challenges of life.
Marriage counsellors too, are being reminded to educate men to show love to their wives in marriage as this will help address the challenges of domestic violence.
The importance of fathers in parenting the boy child can only be achieved if obstacles such as negligence on children and fathers realising that fathering a child is not enough, but taking up the responsibility of fatherhood is key.
For comments: jessiengm@gmail.com