By HLUPEKILE NKUNIKA –
WHEN couples exchange their vows as part of the rituals to sanctify their union, reciting the lines ‘to have and to hold…from this day forward, till death do us part,’ one would not imagine that for some of them the ‘death’ that will sever the marital tie would be the result of the other’s action?
That one day, perhaps in a moment of rage, the once beloved partner will be the one behind the death of the other.
Love, passion, obsession, jealousy, and betrayal have been reported to be among the leading causes of emotional and physical abuse, leading to murder in some cases.
When it comes to emotions, people react in strange and unexpected ways.
Whether it is a heart hurt by unrequited love, or a lover so passionate they would stop at nothing to get their way, even the most mild-mannered soul suddenly flips and become a vengeful spirit with dark intentions.
Crimes of passion have lately become common in Zambia.
“How can someone you hold dear become someone you fear?” says Ellen Kaputala (Pseudo name), who is in an abusive marriage.
She adds, “My business as a cross-border trader was growing, I was supplying exclusive outfits to high class ladies of Lusaka, I made a breakthrough when I engaged a friend to help expand the business to Kitwe. Things were going well for me when I met Bwalya.”
She explained that Bwalya was everything she wanted as he could spoil her with gifts. He would take her to nice places and often party with friends and relatives.
“But then little cracks started to appear, when he caught one of his friends hitting on me during one of our usual outings,” she narrated.
She further explained that scenario resulted into a physical fight between the two friends. Her and Bwalya left the party and went home.
“He locked me in the bedroom and hit me with an iron bar while threatening to kill me, he also threatened suicide,” she said.
After that, Ellen started noticing abnormal jealous tendencies in him.
Bwalya, who stopped her from dressing in a certain ways and often resorted to violence each time the two, had a misunderstanding.
“He never allowed me to wear short dresses or to speak to any male friend, not even his relatives. He never wanted me to go anywhere without him; no church, no kitchen parties. I found it annoying when he suggested that I should stop doing the business that I was doing when we first met,” she said.
Ellen despised the idea of being a full time housewife.
“He was not able to meet all the household needs, I was helping yet he wanted me to stop simply because he suspected that I had an affair. I don’t think there was anything suggesting that I did because, he had access to my phone, Facebook and Whatsapp accounts.
I guess he was threatened by my beauty and he thought the money I got from my business was made through extra marital affairs with the men I was supplying clothes because I had expanded my business and was supplying tailor made suits for both ladies and gents which I was buying from China at the time,” she said.
One evening early last year, he found a message which read “I need to see you,” from one of her customers.
“He dialled the number accusing the man of sleeping with me, and threatened to kill me. I walked over to the door, opened it and said we could have the conversation another day because he was screaming at me. He grabbed me by the hood of my sweatshirt, pushed me into the bedroom and got on top of me and started choking me.
He hit my stomach with a fist, I started bleeding, I was pregnant at that time,” She explained with tears rolling down her chicks.
He stopped hitting her upon seeing the blood and took her to a private hospital where she lost the baby.
Ellen did not report to the police but continues to suffer in silence at the hands of her husband.
“I only confided in a neighbour who advised me to report to the Victim Support Unit but I don’t want to lose my marriage. I am still hopeful that he will change,” she lamented.
As she shared her story, Ellen opted to remain anonymous because she doesn’t want her relatives and those of her husband to think she is a bad person.
“I would rather work towards fixing my marriage,” she noted, adding “People will look down on me if I lose it, single or divorced women are not respected in our culture.’’
Ellen is among many women who choose to continue suffering for the title of being a Mrs which is regarded as one of the biggest achievements in the Zambian society.
But a psychologist Kapembwa Chikontwe has advised couples to separate when their differences lead to physical violence.
Mr Chikontwe, who is director at Serenity Wellness, noted that physical violence might lead to spouse killings.
He stated that individuals, who engage in spouse abuse, increase their violence toward their partners.
This, Mr Chikontwe said, could culminate in the death of either the perpetrator or the victim.
“Every person that abuses his partner is a potential spouse-killer, while every abused person has the potential to react violently in a manner that can kill her or his partner,” he said.
Mr Chikontwe noted that poor conflict coping mechanism emanating from infidelity, poor communication, financial problems leading to debt in some cases, jealousy, sexual abuse, substance abuse, age disparity between spouses leading to jealousy and child neglect were some of the major factors contributing to abuse and killings among partners.
He stated, “though I must note that infidelity, neglect of responsibilities towards a partner or children, poor communication and debt; top the list.”
Mr Chikontwe also notes that people dealing severe mental health conditions are likely to be violent.
He also observed that people, who appear to be suicidal, were likely to commit homicide.
A person, who could commit suicide, is likely to kill another person.
“As a society, we need to realize that life is precious and that it is criminal to take it away.”
He stressed the need to sensitise people on the various factors that could lead to spouse killings so that people were able to identify traits of people who were likely to commit homicide.
Mr Chokontwe stressed the need to invest in educational, mental health and therapeutic services so that people could be helped to deal with issues in marriage.
“We need to identify the signs from the beginning and not after a crime has already been committed,” he said.
The Young Women Christian Association (YWCA) observed that many couples continue to stay in abusive marriages despite threats of being killed.
YWCA Executive Director Mirriam Mwinga stated that though marriage was the most respectable union; it should not compel two people to stay together when it gets abusive.
“People should walk away before the Gender Based Violence (GBV) gets to a regrettable stage, where the abusive is a threat to life,” she stated.
She stressed the need for couples to seek counselling services to better manage differences as partners.
Mr Mwinga revealed that physical abusive is higher among couples who are not married than those that are.
The Independent Churches Organisation (ICOZ) is also agitated with spouse killings which are reported on a weekly basis.
ICOZ president David Masupa said couples should engage the church to provide counsel when they are not able to resolve their conflicts.
“We want to encourage couples to call upon elderly people or relatives to help resolve differences, they can go to the church to help resolve problems but if they are willing to do so, they can go to court and separate,” he said.
Mr Masupa noted that the church was doubling efforts in counselling couples to avoid conflict that have a potential to killing. – ZANIS