WHY doesn’t she or he just leave their partner? This and many other questions many people ask when we learn that a woman or man is suffering violence and abuse in a relationship.
Everyone has differences with people close to them, but when this leads to arguments and turns out to form a pattern of violence, it is an indication of abuse that one must take note of.
Once viewed as a private matter, Sexual and Gender-based violence (SGBV) today is now a matter of public health and global concern happening every second.
As countries around the world went down on lock down during the COVID-19 pandemic, victims of violence and abuse have been trapped in their homes together with their abusers and may or have faced extreme violence.
According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), one out of three women in the world experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime.
Ultimately, gender advocates have emphasised another important approach of preventing abuse from happening, by involving boys and men and targeting children in schools through raising awareness.
Interestingly, at the railway station in Ndola during a mini Wednesday market created by traders who disembark from the train to sell their produce, what caught my attention was a loud conversation of one woman who was being asked by her fellow traders why her neighbour did not come.
These are traders who live alone the line of rail within Ndola rural and make use of the rail transport to sale their vegetables and livestock.
“She couldn’t come with us for the Wednesday market as her husband was in his usual mood.
We passed through to pick her up, but she only gave us a sign that her husband could not allow her to participate at the market, his continued jealousy and moods are now irritating.”She sighed
From the tone of discussion, one could tell that this was a habit that has been experienced by their friend as she also sounded hopeless to find a way of helping her.
It may look as easy as it may sound when we all tease, mock, pity and jock about the nature of cases surrounding SGBV that we witness, hear and see on social media, television and other media platforms.
True to it that, if one has never been through an abusive relationship, this sort of response might seem logical.
The root cause of all GBV is gender inequality that we continue to see being created and sustained in most if not all societies today.
Notably, people in abusive affairs take long to realise that the abuse will probably keep happening as studies show that abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems.
SGBV, which also affects men, has seen them fail to come out of abusive relationships as the patriarchal society that we live in makes it hard for them to open up about their abuse.
This belief is said to be exacerbated by the patriarchal nature of our society that suggests that men are not supposed to cry has proved to be a challenge to help men in abusive relationships because they prefer to be in the closet and also in view of the stigma that might be attached to them for having shown that they are victims of female abuse.
It is important to note the many barriers that stand in the way of a woman leaving an abusive relationship can be either psychological, emotional, financial physical or many others.
For instance, with men, the emotional abuse in intimate relationships is a relatively unexplored area in our society.
Relationship experts have observed that when it comes to relationship abuse, it is never as easy as just leaving and this has seen many survivors leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusive partner.
Here are some of the common barriers that studies show how victims of abuse have challenges in leaving their abusive relationships.
- Threats
Abusers have been known to threaten their victims including their children when they attempt to leave. It is dangerous to advise a survivor to leave an abusive home without looking at any safety measures for the victim. - Abusers Influence
For many victims, leaving an abuser who has a good standing in society and exerts a lot of influence in the community, has been a challenge as he or she can generally afford to hire a private lawyer to defend them - Children’s best interest
Many a time we have seen and heard of how many women refuse to leave their abusive marriages because they feel their children cannot remain behind and also safety of the children when the abuser also extends his abuse to them. - Cultural Norms
Some victims conform to the cultural norms that society subscribes to, for instance some survivors may not believe divorce is a viable alternative, while many other feel that leaving your partner is a disgraceful action. Some abusers may also demand that other family relations have no right to interfere in their marriage affairs. Similarly, some survivors are socialised to believe that they are responsible for making their marriage work, or for keeping the family together. - Denial
Some victims of abuse are in denial and may leave with the hope that the abuser will change. But because abusers have been described as having emotional and psychological problems, many of them do not stop abusing their victims. - Abusers excuses
We have heard how many perpetrators of violence have used excuses such as lack of employment alcohol and other social challenges to justify the violence. Studies show that stress or alcohol is not the main causes of violence but only exacerbate the problem. - Isolation
Most victims of abuse have isolated their victims a situation that works to weaken them when they are not in contact with family and friends.
Many are the times we have heard how abusers will stop their partners from interacting with their friends, neighbours and relatives to prevent her from recognising that his behaviour is abusive and wrong. This eventually leads the victims to become entirely dependent on their controlling partner.
In certain instances, abusers have been seen to control every aspect of their victim’s life making it impossible to have a job or financial independence. - Hidden obstacles
Abusers are perpetrators who know how to work on their victim’s psychology, for instance, they will offer themselves to get help and even seek audience with a counsellor hence the victims will believe and decide to stay.
In other incidences, the abuser will apologise and ask forgiveness and also pamper the victim with gifts.
As stakeholders living in communities and society who have seen an increase of all forms of abuse and violence, we borrow the words of one survivor who tells victims, “Please know: It is real. You are not crazy. You are not alone. I believe you.”
For comments jessiengm@gmail.com
