AS the festive season reaches its peak, it is necessary for family members to focus on each other and use this period to grow their relationships and enjoy the holiday season together.
The holidays present many wonderful opportunities to bond with family, but this time of the year can also present significant stress, particularly when family conflicts arise.
After a long hard year, the festive season should serve to strengthen relationships and repair broken ones.
This is the time when parents should get to know their children even more and understand their worries, fears and ambitions.
The expense of gifts and food, the pressure of shopping and the expectations of the season can make Christmas an extremely stressful time.
Families should make the holiday plans together by drawing up a budget, shopping early and taking steps to avoid overspending.
They should also avoid arguments and ensure that they appreciate each other throughout the season.
Families should also ensure that they budget for Christmas so that they do not overspend.
This may mean putting money away each week throughout the year and sticking to the budget.
For those families that may not be together during the festive season due to various reasons, it is recommended that they keep in constant touch by phone, mail and email.
For families that are apart due to disagreements, this is the best time to reason together and try to reconcile with relatives and old friends, if possible.
It is necessary to note that all families experience tension to some degree and there is need for people to appreciate that everyone is under stress to a certain degree and hence the need to understand each other more.
As a way of avoiding fueling conflict, the families should consider coming up with group games, have lunch together and avoid overindulging in alcohol, which has the capacity to bring about unnecessary arguments and conflict.
Thomas C Lian, a Scripps Health psychiatrist and behavioural health medical director suggests the following tips to keep family gatherings friendly and conflict-free:
• Adjust your attitude
If you are already anticipating that a gathering will be stressful, your anxiety may get worse by the time the actual gathering begins.
Instead of worrying about what will happen, choose behaviour that can help decrease your anxiety, Dr Lian suggests.
Before the event, do something relaxing, such as practicing yoga or listening to music.
Try focusing on the positive. “Before get-togethers with family members, think about the qualities you like about them, rather than focusing on the negative.
Your stress level will not already be high before you see them, which will help you be more tolerant and able to tactfully respond to the actions that irritate you.
• Have realistic expectations
Do not expect people to change when they have behaved in the same way for years.
“Minimise your contact with difficult relatives, and spend more time interacting with people you like,” suggests Dr Lian.
• Keep potentially upsetting topics off-limits
Politics and religion are obvious, but people also bring up sensitive subjects without thinking about how they might affect others.
“Are you ever going to get married?” may seem harmless, but more likely than not, it will strike a nerve.
Plan to keep conversation conflict-free by avoiding potentially sensitive topics, or simply ask what is new and take it from there.
Avoiding topics that tend to spark arguments helps defuse tense situations before they even start.
If a family member insists on discussing it, try to change the subject tactfully.
• Accept that the only thing you can control is your reaction
Dr Lian says that while one cannot stop people from bringing up controversial subjects or asking rude questions, but they can monitor and modify their own reactions.
“No one can force you to engage in a negative conversation,” Dr Lian explains.
• Do not drink too much
For those who drink alcohol, Dr Liam advises that you do so in moderation this festive season.
This is because some people become aggressive or argumentative when they have had too much to drink.
“If you are one of them, minimise your drinking or stick to non-alcoholic beverages. Avoid people who have had too much to drink, and do not let them drive,” Dr Liam says.
• Get active
Dr Lian says that it is difficult to be drawn into an argument when engaged in an activity that requires concentration, physical activity or laughter.
He urges people to play a game, go for a walk on the beach or watch a funny holiday movie.
• Practice gratitude
Take a time-out and think about all you have to be grateful for: a delicious meal, a warm home, good health, a friend or sunny day.
“Anxiety can be diminished by focusing on the things we enjoy and value,” he adds.
• Practice tolerance
Dr Lian explains that, “We all do things that irritate other people, and we probably are not aware of it. Try to be tolerant of others’ quirks and irritating behaviors, and do not take them personally. If nothing else, remember you only have to tolerate the irritation for a little while,” he says.
• Bring a happy reminder
Looking at a favourite photograph, a funny text from a friend or anything else that makes you smile can go a long way toward relieving stress.
When things get too stressful, plan to sneak away and take a break.
• Take a deep breath or five
Focus on your breathing.
Take five slow, deep breaths, focusing on breathing in and out.
According to Dr Lian, even this short break can have a powerful effect on stress and anxiety.
Dr Lian urges people to keep in mind that they can only change themselves.
“You cannot change what your difficult relatives are going to do. Do not waste your energy trying to change others and accept that you can only control your own actions and thoughts.”
If you and your spouse both want to celebrate with your families of origin, take turns and see these groups separately.
If the stress of travelling each year is stressing you, invite everyone to celebrate together, and you will get to see everyone in one place.
If seeing family causes you great amounts of stress each year, celebrating with just your partner or children can be a wonderful alternative to seeing people who make you feel consistently stressed.
As one author rightly said, “We must not forget that everything begins and ends with the family and so everyone should use the festive season to bond and grow their family.
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